Part of the 5-Minute Fridays at Lisa-Jo Baker’s blog:
You can belong and not know it. You can not belong, and still, somehow, belong amidst the different and the foreign-to-you.
You can wonder if they really believe you when you speak.
Because honestly, that lying thing from childhood runs deep. And you know you probably wouldn’t be trusted if they knew you as well as you know yourself.
Just ignore that text ding and keep talking.
Ignore that email and keep writing the truth.
All day long, distraction can keep you from admitting these thoughts, and by the end you can be so tired just from defending against the assault of need. And you may want to help, you’ll feel it in your toes aching like early-onset arthritis to be rubbed or medicated or pushed through. Damn the arthritis of the heart, you might say, then quickly take it back for fear of offending and having your point dismissed with it.
You can want to care and still feel locked in a prison of judgment and so much potential for misunderstanding. You can watch a video of a man crying about this very thing that has gone quickly and quietly around the world for the power of this very concept, and still know that for you, it’s different, and you’re not some famous actor who can say it because he’s older and become the comforting iteration of manhood and not the virile and threatening version of his passed youth.
You can tell yourself to wait.
And you can ignore that sound advice and realize that if you don’t speak beyond your fear and justified self-control beyond the ding of the 5 minutes already past, you will never say it, never quite reach escape velocity and break the barrier.
You can hope they’ll forgive you and still struggle to put it to words. You can disguise it all you want, but once you say it, it will be said. And there will be no erasing it.
And then, in a flash, you may wonder if keeping the silence helps others believe more strongly in the endless mercy and grace of what may or may not be behind the supportive encouragement they feel. And maybe this, this mystery of love from an unnatural, a supernatural source, has been the higher purpose all along.
Thanks to Ann, who inspires me and so many.